Divorce: A Result of Hardness of the Heart, part 1

Transcript

GR 710
5/12/1985
Divorce: A Result of Hardness of Heart (Part 1)
Matthew 19:7-9
Gil Rugh

Jesus dealt with issues related to marriage in Matthew 19:3-12. In this passage Christ unfolded something of God’s plan for marriage and talked about a provision for divorce and then a perspective on the single life and how that relates to God’s intention for marriage between man and woman.
This whole discussion was precipitated by an attempt on the part of the religious leaders, the Pharisees in this case, to trap Jesus Christ and discredit Him before the people.
The Pharisees came to Him testing Him and asking Him if it is lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause at all. Their purpose was to put Christ in a situation so that no matter what His answer, He would be discredited by a number of people in Israel so the Pharisees could attack what He said. In Israel there were two major positions on the issue of divorce, much as there are today: the liberal and the conservative. The liberal position taught you could get divorced for any reason at all. The conservative position taught that divorce was allowed only for immorality.
Jesus’ response was not to talk to them about divorce, but to explain to them what God said about the marriage relationship and that divorce was not part of God’s plan. Jesus took them back to the Old Testament and pointed out that in Genesis 1:27 God said He created humanity, mankind. He created a man and He created a woman, which explains what God intends for marriage, one man and one woman. Jesus connected that with Genesis 2:24 where God said that it was for this reason that a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This emphasis showed that the marriage relationship supersedes all other human relationships, and in marriage a covenant relationship is established before God. They shall cleave to one another and become one flesh. The physical relationship expresses the totality of oneness that God established in the marriage bond. Since the marriage relationship supersedes all other relationships, it should be characterized by the marriage partners investing their lives in one another first and foremost. God established marriage as a relationship of oneness.

Jesus concluded by saying, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matt. 19:6). The phrase, “let no man separate,” is stated in the imperative. It is a command given by Christ. If God joins two people together in a relationship of oneness and then a man comes and says, “I separate it,” he has placed himself in authority over God. Jesus’ command was that men must not separate what God has joined together in that relationship of oneness. So every marriage is established by God. You may think that your marriage wasn’t made in heaven. But Scripture says God bound you together when you committed yourself to that person in agreement with the laws of the land. That explains God’s perspective on marriage and divorce.

It amazes me how simple Jesus’ answer was. Wasn’t the issue divorce? But Jesus talked about marriage. Where in Genesis 1 and 2 do you read about divorce? You don’t. That is Christ’s point. Divorce is not part of God’s plan. It is part of man’s plan.
The Pharisees were familiar with the Scripture and they were trying to trap Christ, so they thought they had Him because Moses commanded people to get divorced. “They said to Him, ‘Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?’” (Matt. 19:7). The first problem was that Moses did not command this and Christ corrected them in Matthew 19:8: “He said to them, ‘Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.’” Moses permitted them to divorce but he did not command them. This reference is to Deuteronomy 24 where Moses gave instructions regarding a certificate of divorce.
Jesus said that from the beginning it was not God’s intention that there be divorce. There was divorce because of their hardness of heart. It is important to note that. Christ said divorce takes place only within the framework of a heart that is hardened toward God. When there is trouble in a marriage and the husband and wife are not getting along, the Scripture indicates that the marriage trouble is not the real problem. That is a symptom of the problem. The problem is that a heart, which is hardened toward God and in rebellion against God, is manifesting itself. One of the symptoms of this hardened heart is marriage trouble.
It is just like a person who has a serious disease which is causing him to have a hacking cough. He thinks he needs something to stop the cough. He may be able to take something to stop the coughing, but if that hacking cough is indicative of a serious disease, treating the hacking cough is just treating a symptom, not the underlying problem. Sometimes a marriage problem is a symptom of a more basic problem: a heart that is hardened toward God and so in rebellion against Him.
In the context of believers in Jesus Christ, if a believer hardens his heart toward God, then sin spreads and the hardness spreads. Remember the analogy of sin to leaven that permeates? Naturally it affects those around me when I am not being what God wants me to be because I am not living my life in submission to His Word and His Spirit. The closest relationship I have on earth is with my wife; I am in a relationship of oneness with her. If my heart is hardened toward God and I am in a state of rebellion against Him, do you not think that that will have an impact upon the one with whom I am bound in a relationship of oneness? Naturally. So my hardened condition reflects itself in my attitude towards God.

My experience has been that the kind of person you find talking about getting a divorce is not a person in whom the Word of Christ is dwelling richly or who is talking about how excited he is about the Word of God and what he is learning and how he is growing. He is not saying that the Word of God is more precious to him than food or sweeter than honey, nor that it is the delight of his life to invest himself in the Word of God. His life does not evidence the beauty of the character of Christ or provide a testimony before the world of what Christ can do in a life. Why? The reason is that this person is in a state of hardness towards God and has begun to resist His will and His purposes. This state of hardness is beginning to manifest itself in the desire to get a divorce.
People try to justify their actions. They claim that their situation is different, but the Word of God says that divorce comes about because of hardness of heart. People have closed themselves to what God has to say and what God wants to do in their lives. This is a symptom of a spiritual problem. For an unbeliever, it is an irresolvable, unsolvable problem unless he is willing to come to believe in Jesus Christ and allow Him to work His purposes in his life and his marriage. For there to be any hope, there must be the willingness to deal with the heart, which is deceitful and desperately wicked above all things. The heart hardened toward God can even settle in a believer.
Deuteronomy 24:1-4 is the passage to which the Pharisees referred regarding Moses permitting divorce: “When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife, and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, then her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the Lord, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the Lord your God gives you as an inheritance.” The purpose of Deuteronomy 24 was not to give instructions regarding divorce, but to forbid returning to a former husband or a former wife. If any of the things happened that were described, you were never allowed to return to your former spouse. Moses allowed that divorce would occur. He did not command it, but he did tell them that whenever a divorce occurred and you remarried someone else, you could never go back to your former spouse.
My purpose is not to delve into that in detail, but as an aside, why would that be? It may be that it helped settle the fact that you could not just decide to compare your spouse with another one and plan to return to her if you did not find anything better. It also seems that something serious happened when you were joined in marriage that is unbreakable even by divorce. You were joined in a family relationship, and a family bond was established at marriage. Even when the marriage relationship was broken there was a family tie that was maintained and so to return to that former spouse, as Scripture views it, would be a form of incest.
The reason this seems to be what is in view is passages like Leviticus 18 where incest is talked about. Marriage is forbidden even with those relations where you do not have a blood tie. For example: if my mother would die and my father would remarry, and then my father would die, I would not be allowed to marry my stepmother even though I have no blood connection to her, because she has become family to me by marriage. By the same token I am forbidden in Scripture to marry my aunt, even if she is an aunt by marriage, because she has become a relative to me even though I do not have a physical blood connection. The Scripture forbids marrying a relative by marriage because it is a form of incest, so that may be in view in Deuteronomy 24. There is a family relationship that has been established. After the marriage relationship has been broken by divorce, there is still the family connection that was established by marriage that will never change. So I cannot go back and marry that person again or it would be a form of incest. It would be like marrying another relative. It helps to clarify the seriousness of the divorce and the prohibition on return.
Deuteronomy 24 only made allowance for a hardness of heart and described the pattern to follow if certain events occurred. Jesus emphasized that this pattern was given in a context of hearts that were hardened towards God and that this was not what God intended. This was what was happening among people who were rebelling against God.
God’s perspective on divorce has always been the same. In Malachi 2 it was put in the framework of a people who were spiritually hardened toward God and in rebellion against God. “This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit” (Mal. 2: 13-15).
As noted in the previous study, Genesis 2:24 says that a man cleaves to his wife which is an expression for a covenant relationship. A husband and wife are bound before God in a binding covenant relationship. So if you divorce her, you have dealt treacherously because you have violated a covenant. Malachi says that “not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit,” so divorce does not take place in the context of a person who is allowing the Spirit of God to have His way in his life.
Malachi says that a husband is to be a covering for his wife, protecting and providing for her.
“And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. ‘For I hate divorce,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘and him who covers his garment with wrong,’ says the Lord of hosts. So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously” (Mal. 2:15-16). One who is covering his garments with wrong is doing violence. The garment pictures a covering. A husband deals treacherously and violently toward his wife if he divorces her and he does violence to the covenant of God. Note that God says “I hate divorce.”
So in Matthew 19 Christ made the point that God’s perspective on marriage has always been the same: it is a permanent, binding relationship. The whole issue of divorce centers in on the hardness of a person’s heart in an unwillingness to submit to the Spirit of God and the plan of God as revealed in His Word.
It ought not to be surprising that divorce goes on in the world because the world is in a state of rebellion against God. The sinful heart is in enmity against God. As the world changes its standards, it manifests more clearly its sinful conduct. When the church adapts its standards and accepts what the world has decided is acceptable, that is not only surprising, it is displeasing to God. Why is divorce flourishing so much? Why do half the marriages end in divorce? Divorce has become a more acceptable alternative today, in the world and sadly more so in the church. The pressures that existed to encourage people to remain married have been lifted. Any time the pressures and the restraints on sinful conduct are lifted or removed, then sinful behavior begins to blossom.
An example of this is what happens when the restraints of government are broken down for some reason. When sinful people have the chance to manifest the violence of their hearts toward one another because government restraints are removed, the environment becomes unlivable because the restraints on sinful behavior have been broken down. What would happen in this country if the restraint of government was removed and I could go out and kill someone and not be afraid of being punished for it or I could go out in a fit of rage and blow somebody’s house to pieces with them in it and wouldn’t have to be afraid that I was going to get arrested? Pretty soon this society would be unlivable. So it is in marriage.
The restraints on sinful activity in the area of marriage have been removed and that conduct has become acceptable, so the hardness of man’s heart toward God in this area blossoms. It oughtn’t to be so surprising. The world says it’s okay, so what happens? Everybody does it. This happens in other areas like sexual permissiveness among young people. The world says it is okay, so we find it blossoming. But God’s perspective, God’s plan and God’s word have not changed. It may have become more acceptable to be in rebellion against God in this area, but it is still not acceptable by God and it is not acceptable for those who are His children.
In Matthew 19:9, Jesus continued his explanation to the Pharisees, “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another commits adultery.” Let me be clear. You may not like me and I may not like you. You may not like what I have to say. But the issue is what does the Word of God say? You may not agree with what I have to say about divorce. That’s fine. I don’t like what I say about it sometimes myself. But what does God say about it? “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another commits adultery.” You may not like it and you may choose to disagree with it, but what God says on the subject is not clouded, is it?
When people do not like what the Scripture says, they look for a way to discard it. They want to add exceptions, but Matthew 19:9 does not say “whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality and certain exceptions.” Some people think that there ought to be other allowances. Humanly speaking, there are some hopeless cases. There are some ladies who are married to some turkeys and some men who have the same problem. People try to justify divorce: “since you ’re only going to go around once in life, don’t you think that you ought to get a second try?” “Besides, he got married when he was so young.” “She didn’t know any better and she really didn’t know he was going to turn out like this.” “So you don’t think God wants to ruin your life by holding you in this relationship do you?”
Matthew 19:9 says, “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another commits adultery.” Even though I may not like it, I have to be honest and acknowledge that I understand what it says. It is clear in what it says. If you take out the exception clause, it says, “whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery.” God views it as adultery because He bound the two individuals together in a relationship of oneness. Man does not have the authority to overrule God. It is adultery because man has entered into another relationship but God viewed the first relationship as binding.
What about those people who have gone to court and have gotten a legal divorce? They have a piece of paper that says they are free. But wait, that is not signed by God. No, the judge signed it. Oh, is he over God now? The fact that the world allows divorce and a judge will issue you a paper saying you are free from your marriage vows does not mean anything. That is like me writing on a piece of paper: “You can go to heaven by taking two aspirin and going to bed at 9:00 every evening. Signed-Gil Rugh.” What do you think it is going to count for when you stand at the gates of heaven and hand them that piece of paper? That is what the world has done in the area of divorce. Man has made it all right to commit adultery, but God has not changed on the subject. Man is manifesting his rebellion by committing adultery.
What about the exception clause? “Except for immorality.” I think there are two ways to view this.
There are those who are so concerned about the purity of marriage that they explain this exception in a way that will not allow any exceptions. They explain this as referring to the engagement period for Jews so it is not applicable today. Or they explain this as referring to incestuous relationships prohibited for the Jews in Leviticus 18. Therefore, they say, there are no exceptions today. I can appreciate the concern. Quite frankly that would be my preference because it would simplify my life. I could just say there are no allowances for divorce today. But I have not been able myself to be convinced of these arguments. To me it seems that these explanations are given because a person has a desire to remove the exception. Remember the issue is marriage and divorce as Moses talked about it in Deuteronomy 24. The betrothal period was not an issue in Deuteronomy 24. Incest was not an issue in Deuteronomy 24. So to try to read those into this passage seems to me to be trying to look for something that will enable me to do away with any exceptions today.
I believe the exception is still valid. The word for immorality is “'porneia.” It is related to the word “pornos.” In English it is carried over in the term pornography. Porneia orpornos referred to a fornicator or fornication, and it referred to immorality of all kinds.
Jesus also used the word adultery in this context. “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another commits adultery.” Why didn’t He say, “Except for adultery?” Isn’t that what happens when you have a sexual relationship with someone else and you are married: you commit adultery? Why did He say porneia and not adultery? I think He used porneia because porneia includes adultery but it is broader than adultery. It includes homosexuality, bestiality, and adultery. So every adulterer is a fornicator but not every fornicator is an adulterer. A fornicator might be committing homosexuality, but that would not be called adultery. Fornication is a broader term. I believe this means sexual infidelity is grounds for breaking the marriage relationship. As I understand it, Christ said that those things which were punishable by death in the Old Testament become occasions for dissolving the marriage relationship.
Do you know what happened if you were an adulterer in the Old Testament? You did not have to get a divorce because they just took you out and executed you. Do you know what happened if you were involved in homosexuality? You did not have to ask for a divorce. They just took you out and stoned you. When they executed you, that took care of the marriage relationship.
In Leviticus 18, the Lord dealt with matters related to morality and immorality. “None of you shall approach any blood relative of his to uncover nakedness; I am the Lord” (Lev. 18:6). The phrase “uncover nakedness ” means to be involved sexually. Leviticus 18 mentions all the different relationships that the Jews were not to get involved in. As noted previously, Leviticus 18:14 forbids a sexual relationship between two people even if there is no blood tie between them if there is a family relationship, “You shall not uncover the nakedness of your father’s brother; you shall not approach his wife, she is your aunt.” There is a family relationship tied to my father’s brother’s wife even though I do not have a blood tie to her. Adultery was prohibited in Leviticus 18:20, “You shall not have intercourse with your neighbor’s wife, to be defiled with her.” Homosexuality was addressed in Leviticus 18:22, “You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.” Although the world has lifted any restraints on homosexuality so that hardness of heart and rebellion against God can be manifest openly in this area because the world says it is okay, God has not changed His Word. Bestiality was forbidden in Leviticus 18:23, “Also you shall not have intercourse with any animal to be defiled with it, nor shall any woman stand before an animal to mate with it; it is a perversion.”
What was the punishment for these activities? Leviticus 20:10, “If there is a man who commits adultery with another man’s wife, one who commits adultery with his friend’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.” Leviticus 20:10-16 provided the punishment for fornication in the Old Testament of all kinds, not just adultery, but adultery and incest and homosexuality and bestiality. All these sexual sins and immorality were punishable by death which effectively freed the innocent party from the marriage relationship.
In Matthew 19, why didn’t Jesus just say, “execute them?” One of the clear reasons is that in the Old Testament, Israel was a theocracy. God ruled as the King of Israel. Israel was a nation that had the power of capital punishment. In the New Testament, Israel no longer had the independent right of capital punishment. The Romans ruled Israel and the Romans reserved the right of capital punishment for themselves. Remember what the Jews did when they wanted to execute Christ?
They went to the Roman authorities to get the authority of Rome. While it is true that at times mob violence took over and the Jews killed somebody, the legal authority for execution had to be carried out through the Romans. That is true for the church today. The church does not take people who commit immorality and stone them. So the result is that God said that sexual unfaithfulness is an awful violation of the marriage bond and the oneness of the marriage bond.
Paul talked about this to the Corinthians when he said that when one joins himself to a whore he becomes one flesh with that whore. This is an awful violation and a very serious thing. God says every other sin that a man commits is outside his body. He who commits immorality sins against his own body because he has joined his body, which is joined in a relationship of oneness with Christ, into a relationship of oneness with a whore. This helps to understand God’s perspective on sexual sins. My understanding of Matthew 19 is that where there is persistent sexual immorality, the innocent party has the right for divorce.
Note that Matthew 19 does not say that the innocent party is required to get a divorce. It does not say that sexual immorality breaks the marriage relationship, but it provides for the possibility of the breaking of the marriage relationship. In addition I believe that this is dealing with sexual immorality that continues.
I had a case some time ago in which a young wife called and said that she had gotten involved in a sexual relationship with her boss at work. Her husband found out and said he was going to leave. She said she realized it was sin before God and she wanted her husband’s forgiveness. I think the responsibility of that husband is clear in light of the Word. What did Matthew 18 say about forgiveness? In Matthew 18:21 Peter responded to Christ’s instruction regarding discipline with a question, “Then Peter came and said to Him, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’” Jesus’ response is recorded in Matthew 18:22, “Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’” If my husband or wife is unfaithful but wants forgiveness and is willing to end that unfaithful activity and stop the immorality, my responsibility is to forgive my spouse. There is clear evidence of that in the Old Testament as well.
Hosea 3:1 says, “Then the Lord said to me, ‘Go again, love a woman who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress, even as the Lord loves the sons of Israel, though they turn to other gods and love raisin cakes.’” Hosea was commanded to go and take to himself as his wife one whom he had married who was a prostitute. God told him to remarry her, forgiving her, because that pictured what He had done with Israel. She had been spiritually unfaithful to God again and again and again. But He forgave her and took her back to Himself. So that pattern of forgiveness even regarding unfaithfulness was illustrated by God spiritually and by the prophet Hosea.
I believe the issue is clear: if a person has been unfaithful but wants forgiveness, the responsibility of the believer is to be forgiving. But if the person is committed to that immoral relationship and determined to continue, then the innocent party has the right for divorce before God. I repeat this is a personal decision that an individual has to make. It is allowed not required.

What about those who have been divorced and remarried? What about those that are in their second, third, fourth, whatever marriage? I think the church has erred in making divorce and remarriage almost an unforgivable sin and people have been put in a category as though that sin could be partially forgiven but never totally forgiven. I understand the dilemma this causes, and I do not want to give anybody the idea that it will be all right if they get a divorce and get remarried.
The tendency is to want to go the other way and imply that if a person is divorced and remarried, that person is forgiven, but not totally forgiven. My understanding is that when a person has been divorced and remarried, God forgives that sin just like He forgives every other sin. And that sin is just as forgiven as any other sin. Praise God that my past sins do not hang over me as partially forgiven. I think sometimes we approach divorce that way.
A person who has been joined in a second marriage relationship or more is married before God and bound in that relationship before God. That person needs to recognize the sin and turn from it and pick up with God from that point. That is true whether it’s this sin or any other sin. Don’t try to make excuses for it but recognize sin as sin. If that person goes on with God, the prior sin does not hinder him from having just as much fullness of enjoyment and fulfillment in that marriage as he could have if it were his first marriage because God does not put limitations on forgiveness. When He forgives me, He forgives me everything and He promises to work His purposes and plans to the fullest in and through me. However there are consequences.
Some people try to put God in a box. They think, “If I divorce my wife and marry this special person and tell God I’m sorry, I will have the best of both worlds. I won’t be stuck with that turkey for the rest of my life and God will bless me.” There are consequences for sin even while there is forgiveness. If a person willfully sins against God, then they have put themselves in a position to have to live with fearful consequences. When I determine I am going to go ahead and rebel against God in my sin and I am willing to take the consequences, you better believe there will be consequences. One of the consequences will not be lack of forgiveness.
David is an example. He committed adultery and then compounded it by murder. Nathan the prophet came and said God had already put his sin away. It was forgiven. But then Nathan told him the consequences that would plague him the rest of his life and they did. Until the day he went to his grave, there were consequences of that sin. It is important not to equate those consequences with lack of forgiveness. David continued as king of Israel until the day he died. You might wonder why God did that. God chose to. God had forgiven him totally. But there were consequences.
So we need to be careful. We think that we are going to play games with God in areas of sin and put God in a box. God is never in a box. But, that being the case, I think our responsibility is to respond to God where we are. This helps clarify my life a lot. It helps me in my relationship with my wife, Marilyn. Marilyn doesn’t have to wonder if she ought to stick it out with me. It is good for her to know she is stuck with me forever. There are no alternatives so she might just as well work on it and make the best of it.

The world has come up with plan B. They make plans to get married and to fill out a prenuptial agreement stating how to divide the property in case it doesn’t work out. What do you mean, in case it doesn’t work out? That affects the mentality of the marriage partners. Believers start thinking, “This is a lot rougher than I thought it was going to be. She’s a lot harder to live with than I anticipated. And do you think God really wants me to spend the rest of my life in a miserable situation? I mean, do you really think God wants me to spend the rest of my life in this kind of mess? Wouldn’t it be better for everybody just to acknowledge that we made a dreadful mistake? Let’s be adults about it. Admit the stupidity. Make the division and build new lives.” That is not an alternative for believers.
It helps to have God’s clarity on it. I don’t even have to think about that. It is like riding in an airplane thousands of feet up and the engine starts to sputter. You might be tempted to think, “Maybe I better jump out.” Then it dawns on you: they never gave you a parachute. You know what that does? That makes you think, “I better sit down and try to make the airplane land. I better work on this a little harder.” That closes the option down. You know what? God has given you no parachute. So what if your husband has really turned into a jerk. What are you going to do? Well, you got no parachutes so you might just as well learn to work with a jerk. You can’t change him. So ask God to help you through this situation to be the person that He wants you to be and to use this situation to conform you more to the beauty of the character of Jesus Christ because that’s what your life is to be about.
The world’s approach is: “I deserve a little bit of happiness; I have got to view this from my perspective.” Selfishness then becomes the key issue. For me as a believer, the issue is, does my life honor and glorify Jesus Christ?
In the midst of a trial, in the midst of pressure, in the midst of difficulty, my prayer is, “God use it to accomplish Your purposes in my life.” My life has been simplified as a believer. Praise God for His plan and simplicity. Praise God for His grace and forgiveness.
If you have been divorced and are remarried, praise God: He picks you up where you are and He wants this marriage to be the most fulfilling, the most satisfying, that could possibly be and He will do that in your life if you will submit your life to Him and allow Him to accomplish His purposes. You need to recognize that and to praise God for His forgiveness. Then be sure that your feet are firmly planted on the Word of God and what He reveals.